my birth plans [ part 2 ] – water birth

 

I recently posted about how I am planning on having a home birth this time around, and how I’d come to that decision after the slightly traumatic and quite public birth of my second baby in a car park.  I really enjoyed writing that post, and sharing the links to other bloggers I’d found who shared their home birth experiences.  So I wanted to write some more, this time about my hopes to birth (or at least labour) in water.

 

We finally got round to trying out our birth pool

This has been niggling at the back of my mind for a while now, as we had no idea how long it would take to set up, whether the hose would be long enough to fill it up from the bathroom if it was set up in the living room, and whether attachments we had all worked.  Thankfully it inflated fine, and the hose was plenty long enough.

We didn’t try filling it, as at the time I felt pretty confident – we have a great combi boiler which I’m sure will be up to the task, and calculated time based on filling the bath.  But now the nerves are kicking in and I’m thinking we should do a full trial run…I can’t wait to see Hubs’ face when I make that suggestion!  I did see someone else mention that it’s a good excuse to chill out in it with a Netflix binge, so that might convince him.

 

Why we bought a pool rather than hiring one

Our pool kind of fell into our laps – after making my wish for a home birth known, the midwife encouraged me to look at buying rather than hiring a pool.  She said there wasn’t a lot of difference in the cost, so I did some research and for some of the models she had a point.

I’d decided to go for the Birth Pool In A Box, based on reviews and the fact it came with everything you need, when Hubs spotted someone selling the exact same one at half the price on Facebook.  It had never been used, as the previous owner had bought it thinking she could have a VBAC at home only to find out this wasn’t the case.

It looks like a great bit of kit, with support handles and even a seat, so I’m excited to use it when the big day comes.  I can’t believe we were able to buy one cheap in our local area.  I’m not spiritual or superstitious, but it isn’t often you see something like that being sold on Facebook – that’s got to be a good omen.  It’s a lot bigger than I expected – when it was blown up the four year old was running around shouting “we’ve got a swimming pool!!”

 

Why a water birth?

To help me be active in labour…

I’ve already blogged about why I love swimming during pregnancy, and a big part of that is the freedom of movement and lightness being in the water gives me.  Being active during labour is so important, both to encourage your baby to get into the best position for a smooth birth as well as for your own comfort and sense of control.  Water helps you to change your position easily, because you don’t feel like a ten ton weight!  But it also helps you stay in positions like all fours or upright longer than you could otherwise, because of the support it gives you.

Being able to chose your position or move when your body tells you to is so empowering.   I was induced with my first baby, and as a result I spent my labour lying on my back in a bed, strapped to monitors.  It wasn’t an awful experience, but I definitely felt very much as if labour was something I had no control over.

I also think that being stuck in the bed meant I needed more pain relief and spent a longer time pushing.  There is loads of research that backs that up too*.  With my second baby, although our long journey to hospital meant he was born before we got there, before things went cray-cray I felt much more in control and part of the process.  That was maybe why I was able to labour to the pushing stage before needing to head to hospital – I didn’t feel desperate for pain relief.  It’s probably also why he was born so quickly, because he was in such a perfect position that nothing could stop him!

To help me chill the hell out…

Of course, you can be active in labour without a birth pool, so I want it for more than that.  For me warm, deep water is magical when it comes to relieving stress, tension and pain.  I’m actually more of a shower than a bath type of girl normally, but I know that when I sink into warm water something special happens.  As I’m also hoping to use hypnobirth techniques during labour, it makes sense to me that water would be the most peaceful and relaxing place to be.

To give my baby a gentle welcome…

I love the idea of my baby being born in water, it seems like a smoother transition into the world.  I always think it must be a bit of a shock to the system for babies, coming from the warm and muffled world they’ve known for nine months into the cool air and noise of the room (or car park) they’re born in.  Water births always seem a bit gentler, especially if the baby is brought up calmly and their body is kept in the water for some skin-to-skin right away.  Neither of my previous babies were delivered on to my chest and both were taken away before I held them (one because he was unresponsive thanks to diamorphine, and the other because we were in a cold car park), so I’d like to be the one to guide this baby gently up for snuggles and to be with him right from the start.

 

Water birth blogs

I said last time that I love reading other people’s birth stories, and like last time I want to share the ones I came across that touched me.  There seem to be less blogs with waterbirth stories in them, but these three are lovely.

Autumn’s Mummy – my waterbirth story

The Double Mamma – the beautiful birth of Ailbe Fox

My Tales from The Crib – my journey to motherhood: my water baby

 

Did you have a water birth?  I’d love to hear about it!  Or if you know of any other bloggers who have shared their stories, please let me know.

 

 

* The Royal College of Midwives summerise it all well in their Positions for Labour and Birth guidelines
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my pregnancy at 35 weeks

So that’s me crossed off the 35th week of pregnancy, and with just a week and a half left of work it’s getting really exciting to think that this little man is nearly here.

I arrived home on Saturday, after taking our 4 year old to a birthday party, to find all my lovely girlfriends standing waiting for me on the driveway.  They’d only gone and thrown me a surprise baby shower!!  And it really was a surprise – I’ve never had one before, and everyone had kept it really secret.  Even Hubs, who let me have a bit of a bratty (I blame the hormones) moan earlier in the week after the green eyed monster bit me – another friend is having a shower thrown for her in a few weeks and I was feeling left out.  Little did I know they’d been planning mine since February!

We played some games, ate a lot of food and just spent a few hours chatting.  It was lovely to have all my favourite people in one room, as some of my friends hadn’t met one another and I got to introduce them to my step-daughter, mum-in-law and my mum.  I was so touched at the effort made, and I was reminded just how lucky I am to know such a wonderful group of women.

That’s a nice head-space to be in as I drag myself through the last few weeks of pregnancy.  So how have things progressed since I last updated at 30 weeks?

Body at 35 weeks

  • I swing from thinking I’ve not grown much, to feeling bloody enormous!  My H&M maternity trousers are uncomfortable around my bump now and leave an unflattering muffin-top look halfway up, and I certainly feel heavier when trying to get comfy in bed or on the sofa!  But when I look down, or when I’m in my workout gear, I don’t see a big change.  I’m still “all bump” and can still see my waist, which is a new thing for me because I usually just swell out in all directions!
  • I’ve put on 5.5lbs since 30 weeks, and I’m hoping most of that is baby…but I have a feeling that’s wishful thinking!
  • I’m still pretty symptom-free, but I did have one episode of heartburn that I literally thought was going to kill me from the oesophagus out.  It woke me up and left me coughing and struggling to breathe because the stinging and burning was so bad.  And I have the most wickedbad trapped wind, I’ve been in agony most nights this week…who knew a lost fart could cause so much pain?!

Mind at 35 weeks

  • In general I’m feeling pretty positive, though I could feel myself starting to get a bit defeated now that discomfort and pain are getting to me.  It was amazing to have the lift of the baby shower yesterday to catch me before I sank, and put me back on a positive wave length.
  • I do have a constant nagging feeling though.  We still have a lot of things to get ready, and at times I panic that this will be my first baby to come early and we’ll be caught off-guard!  But then I rationalise with myself that my babies always come late, so I do still have time to play with.  Hopefully this week I can get the essentials dealt with, and then have time to focus on getting myself prepared!
  • Our birth plans are coming together.  I already blogged about our plans for a home birth and hopefully will be blogging this week about our water birth plans too.  I’m doing a hypnobirth course, so that will probably get it’s own blog post as well!  I know plans don’t always come off the way you want (trust me, with one induction and one car park birth under my belt, I know), but I’m planning for the best case scenario this time around.  The midwife is coming out for a home visit this week to stake out our joint – fingers crossed my house keeping meets her approval!

Baby at 35 weeks

  • With a previous 9lb 7oz baby followed by his 8lb 1oz brother (and daddy being 9lbs 11oz!), a small baby was never on the cards.  I was sent for a growth scan last week, and we’re hovering around that 90th centile again.  I’m not that bothered with any of that though, as I’ve never heard of anyone whose growth scan got it right, and whatever his size it will be the right size for him, and that will be perfect.
  • We have one or two crazy busy periods of movement a day, with other ones in between.  He’s head down, but obviously spinning around on it like a breakdancer as at times he’s all limbs to the front, jabbing away at me.
  • Still no name.  Shortened long-list, but no finalists.

Fuel, Fitness & Rest

  • After keeping a good handle on my diet and weight gain between 17 and 30 weeks, I’ve really struggled recently.  I’ve not been motivated to keep a food diary, which always signals trouble.  I had a craving for a burger this week so had a big indulgent meal, and then there were a lot of cakes (still are, my house is full of them!) at the baby shower which I just didn’t control myself around.  And that’s just been this week.  I think I’m on track for another big gain, but I’ll make peace with that and just try to be more health-conscious in the weeks I have left.
  • My energy levels are pretty good though, even with my less than perfect nutrition.  I managed to stay up to 4am at a party a few weeks ago, though I don’t think that’s something I’ll be doing again!  But I don’t feel as tired as I did at the start of the 3rd trimester, so I’m enjoying it while it lasts.
  • I think a lot of this is because my sleep is still generally as good as it was before pregnancy.  I’m usually only up once for the loo, and getting back to sleep isn’t usually an issue either.  What a difference to my last pregnancy, and I owe it all to my body pillow.
  • I went to my last Clubbercise class at 29 weeks, so I’ve been swimming instead.  I’m also keeping up with my strength workouts and yoga too.  I’m finding them a little tougher, but besides struggling to motivate myself a bit I’m still pretty regular with my sessions.

 

So, ticking along nicely. And it makes me feel all warm inside to know that next time I do a recap like this…I’ll be on maternity leave!!

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my birth plans [ part 1 ] – home birth

 

Things (finally) got underway in preparing for our little man’s arrival this weekend.  I’m due in six weeks so it’s high time we got cracking, but because this will be boy number 3 and we kept everything from last time (and some things from the teenager’s baby days too!), we’ve got a bit too relaxed about things.  I always go overdue, so it feels like we have so little to do and so much time.

But this weekend, a smidgen of nesting must have taken hold.  I blame it on the fact we spent most of Saturday volunteering at the nursery, helping them to refresh the gardens.  Painting fences and murals to get the place looking good for the summer clearly set off some sort of chain reaction in my head.  I came home and sorted our mountain of baby clothes into sizes, washed the 0-3 month stuff and went to town with the stain remover on the white items.  We dug out the cot, Moses basket and carry cot so we can get new mattresses ordered too.  I just need to clean the pram and car seat, and figure out how to work our new Perfect Prep machine…and then I think we’ll be pretty much good to go.

 

Looking forward to birth

With getting things ready, my mind has turned to the birth.  Ok, who am I kidding – I’ve been thinking about the birth for a while!  But things are getting real now, and I thought I’d do a few blog posts in the coming weeks about what our plans are.  I had swithered about telling people, either in real life or on the blog, as I’m conscious that plans change.  But I’m getting more confident about saying that we’re hoping for a water birth at home this time around, and I have an urge to write about it.  So this is part one, about why I want to birth at home.

 

Wanting a home birth doesn’t make me a crazy, placenta-eating hippie

(no offence if you ate/buried/painted with yours)

Reactions of those I’ve told that I’m planning a home birth have been mixed.  Actually, most people have been very positive.  But there are some who had a sharp intake of breath, pulled a face or made some sort of rather-you-than-me comment.  I suppose I can understand where they’re coming from – what with the only representation of a home birth you’re likely to see on tv being in a Call the Midwife 1950’s slum or as part of some shock-tactic documentary about women who are more interested in their placenta than their baby, a lot of people don’t have a reference point.  Rates are still low, sitting at around 3% of all births, so not many people will know someone who has done it.

But I’m hoping to be one of them.  And my placenta can go in the bin, for all I care.

 

A home birth wasn’t something I had considered until this pregnancy.

I was induced with the teenager so had him in hospital, and when we were having our four year old I was quite happy to deliver at the local birthing unit.  I don’t have anything against hospitals or birthing units, our old house was too tiny, we have a highly strung dog and I couldn’t be bothered with organising things, so a home birth just wasn’t on my radar.  All I wanted for my birth with my four year old was a relaxed atmosphere, hopefully a water birth and to use only the minimum of pain relief.  The where wasn’t really an issue.

That was, until the where became an issue, and left me with a birth experience that took me a long while to process and make peace with.

 

My last birth experience took me while to get over

At a routine appointment in my last pregnancy, the midwife thought she heard a missed beat in my baby’s heart rate, and without even seeing me to assess it themselves the powers that be medical staff decided I could no longer deliver at the birthing unit.  I would have to travel to the nearest hospital 35 minutes away, and when my labour started it became apparent how long 35 minutes in a car can really feel.

I went into labour naturally, and spent the day quite happily pottering about at home with intermittent contractions.  Unfortunately, my mum turned up at about 4pm and nagged me into going to the hospital before the rush hour traffic got too bad.  As I knew would happen, come 7pm I was on my way home having been sent away as my labour wasn’t established.  I was cautious about making another wasted and uncomfortable trip only to be sent away again, so I held out at home…

We were caught off-guard by how fast things progressed and just a few hours later Hubs had to bundle me into the car as I started to push.  We didn’t make it to the hospital.  After a panicked drive where I fought every contraction and urge to push, my baby was born in the car park while smokers standing at the entrance watched on.

For a long time afterwards I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking I was still in the car.   I’d then then lie awake and pick apart all the things I felt I’d done wrong – I didn’t fight my corner to deliver at the birthing unit, I stayed at home too long, I didn’t trust my own judgement, maybe we should have called an ambulance.  I blamed my mum for nagging me to go to the hospital too soon, I blamed the medical staff for their decision (they took a 2 minute look at my baby after he was born and said his heart was fine), but most of all I blamed myself.  Hello post-natal depression.

 

Why I want a home birth this time

Well, I think that’s kind of obvious – to feel relaxed and in control, to avoid any time in the bloody car, and to have some privacy to birth in.  I just want to concentrate on bringing my baby into the world with as few distractions and worries as possible, and for me that means being in my favourite place.

I am a “low risk” mum – no health conditions and no pregnancy complications which could pose an issue, and with two quick and straightforward births to my name already.  I’m healthy and confident in my body’s ability to give birth naturally and with minimal pain relief.  This all means that for me, home is just as safe (if not more so) than a hospital setting for welcoming my baby into the world.

Being at home also means I’m guaranteed a water birth or at least use of a pool in labour, without the risk of someone else getting in before me, as we have bought our own (I’ll talk more about that in part 2).  It means I can eat and drink if and when I want.  It means I can have candles and my oil burner to create the atmosphere I want, with my own comforts around me.  It also means that after the birth, Hubs wont have to disappear home and I wont have to spend a night in an alien environment.  It means being somewhere where I feel I can have my say and make my own decisions.  And I wont be freaking out about delivering my baby by the side of the road.

 

Home birth blogs

Although every birth is different, I  love to read about other women’s experiences and I’ve been really enjoying all the bloggers out there who have shared theirs.   So to finish off, I thought I’d link to my favourites in case anyone else wanted a read.

Rock My Family – a calming home birth

Gas & Air Blog – home birth stories (especially Annalise’s story)

Making Luna – birth story

Monkey & Mouse – birth story

 

Have you had a home birth – what was your experience?  If you know of any good blogs to read about babies who were born at home, I’d love it if you could share in the comments!

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managing my pregnancy weight gain with slimmingworld

 

Balance is key to a healthy lifestyle…and so I feel I want to add some balance after my rant about SlimmingWorld the other week.  Because you may be forgiven for thinking I hate every last thing about SW, and that isn’t true.  After all, it has helped me have my healthiest pregnancy ever, and that is not something to be shrugged off.

I went into my first pregnancy blind.  It was unplanned, unprepared for and I didn’t have the first clue about health.  I was an overweight teenager who drank heavily, lived on junk food and the extent of my cooking skills was to fire up the deep fat fryer in my grotty little council-flat kitchen.  I have no idea what my weight gain was, as I didn’t own scales, but I went from a size 16 to a 22 so it’s safe to say it was probably near or even more than 4 stone.

My second pregnancy came ten years later, and I was a much different person as I’d been through my 6.5 stone weight loss journey.  But although I’d achieved that loss and made big changes to the way I ate and lived, that pregnancy came at a time where things were sliding.  I’d made the shift from an active job with time for fitness to a desk job which left me with little (perceived) time for exercise.  The job also made me miserable and I had turned to food, so I ate my way through my pregnancy and put on nearly 3 stone.

This time around, I’m different again.  My knowledge of health and nutrition has grown beyond diet/light/low-fat and I’ve made big advances in my fitness levels too.  That saw me get down to a size 12 less than a year after our four year old was born, and down to a size 10 for my wedding two years ago.  Unfortunately though, some things have not changed – I still struggle with using food as a coping mechanism, and my control around food is tied to my mood and emotions.  So I came into this pregnancy overweight again after a stressful year at work, culminating with both losing my job and having the stress of starting a new one after dropping the pregnancy bomb.  Oh…and then Christmas.  I put on nearly a stone in the first 18 weeks, and it looked as if I was on track to pile on the pounds yet again.

But something clicked in my head.  I’ve never enjoyed my changing body in pregnancy, and always felt self conscious about my weight gains, but as this is my last pregnancy I didn’t want to spend it hating how I looked.    And then there are the health consequences of a bad diet and big weight gain, both for myself and my baby.  I didn’t have the excuse of ignorance this time – if I wasn’t going to be healthy for me I should at least be healthy for my baby.

So that’s where SlimmingWorld came in, and where it has helped me.  I’ve been critical about some of their “free” foods and approaches, and I stand by that.  But following a plan and going to weekly weigh-ins has been key, and that is what SlimmingWorld has given me.  I’ve written before about how I’m more of a Weight Watchers girl and that too gives a plan and weekly weigh-ins, but SlimmingWorld have gone a bit further and had themselves accredited to accept pregnant members.  Having to be mindful about my food and being held accountable at the scales each week have helped me to make good choices whilst also ensuring I don’t overeat – two things I struggle with when left to my own devices.  Two things that are pretty much all you need to nail to maintain a healthy weight.

If I hadn’t been allowed to join a group, I fully believe I’d have carried on putting on weight the way I had when I started.  But thanks to SlimmingWorld (and my own efforts!), at 32 weeks I’ve only put on 3.5lbs since January.  I know I’ll probably gain weight each week from now on, and that will be something to get my head around, but most of that weight will be my little man filling out and getting ready for his arrival.

I’m hoping that after the birth, my overall weight gain will have been less than a stone.  That just blows my mind, how different this pregnancy has been to my others.  And the impact has reached further than the number on the scales.  I feel happier, I have more energy and I’ve been able to keep active.  I’m sleeping almost as well as I did before pregnancy, I’ve had minimal heartburn and no back issues.  And more importantly, I’m enjoying the pregnancy and don’t feel self conscious or bad about my changing body.  I’m hoping this is all gearing me up to the birth I want, and of course a healthy baby!

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why i love swimming when pregnant

 

Last weekend Hubs and I look our youngest to the pool.  I was ashamed to realise how long it’s been since we took him…it was only the second time we’ve been this year, lets put it that way!

It’s funny the difference between my two boys.  The teenager is a competitive swimmer and at his brother’s age was already competent and fearless in the water.  But the four year old point blank refuses to do much more than walk around the splash pool.  And it isn’t because he doesn’t go often enough, as my parents take him most weeks and he did a block of lessons with the nursery at the end of last year.  But despite seeing some of his friends swimming, and us pleading with him, he would only hold on to the side and kick his legs just long enough to prove he could do it.  I don’t know if it’s fear or stubbornness, but I’m hoping the next block of lessons he’s about to start will build his confidence. He’s going to look a little silly if he’s still hanging out in the baby pool by the time puberty hits!

 

Swimming in pregnancy

I was just happy to be in the water.  Well, I say happy…as happy as I could manage whilst wearing the world’s most unflattering item of clothing.  Me and swimsuits haven’t ever got on, but my maternity swimsuit is beyond disgusting.  It’s a throwback to my first pregnancy, so at over 15 years old it’s the oldest item in my wardrobe.  Quite frankly it makes me look like a bunch of deflating beach balls shoved into a shapeless sack, but I’ve had such a drama with maternity clothes as it is that I didn’t have the energy (or budget) to add swimwear to the shitstorm.  Mind you, I regretted that decision as soon as I was faced with the walk of shame between the changing room and pool, and even more so when I had to make the walk back to the splash pool after swimming lengths to find Hubs had struck up conversation with a skinny mum in a bikini…

Hurt pride aside, it was good to be swimming again.  I’ve always loved swimming – it was the only sport I would bother with as a kid, and I was always pretty good at it.  As an adult I’ve not been able to make regular time to get to the pool, but I always make sure I do a few lengths whenever we do take the kids.  I did the Great Scottish Swim in Loch Lomond a few years ago where I found a love of open water swimming too (and a wetsuit is so much more flattering than most cozzies!).

I’ve always made a point of swimming in my pregnancies, even in my first where I was obese and vastly out of shape.  Especially at the end of pregnancy, when maternity leave kicks in and I’ve had a little bit of time for myself before my new baby arrives, I’ve been known to swim numerous times a week.  No wonder I’m planning a pool birth this time around!

 

Why I love swimming in pregnancy

  • I find there’s something about the support water gives my pregnant body that makes me feel normal and human again.  Suddenly I don’t feel so heavy, and I get my freedom of movement back.
  • Being in the water also helps to give me a break from any aches and pains – they just melt away.
  • It’s also great for helping to avoid collecting more of those aches and pains, as it’s a low impact form of exercise.
  • I find it quiets my mind – once I get into the rhythm of movement and breath it’s almost like meditating.
  • I always think it prepares me for birth too – building stamina to get me through labour, and reminding me how to control and focus my breathing.
  • I’ve been able to keep swimming right up until my due date before, which isn’t always possible with many other forms of exercise.

Keeping safe whilst swimming

I’m not an expert, and of course you should always check with your midwife if you are unsure whether swimming is for you, but I have picked up a few helpful tips to make sure I’m safe in the pool when pregnant:

  • Bring a bottle of water.  I drink tons when I’m doing any sort of exercise, but it can be easy to forget about dehydration when you’re soaking wet!
  • Be mindful of overheating.  This is something we are warned about when pregnant, but it’s harder to assess when you feel as if the water is keeping you cool.  Don’t over exert yourself.
  • Breaststroke is probably the best stroke to use.  It’s good for your back as you don’t twist as much as you would in front crawl.  It  also avoids you being on your back, which even in the supportive environment of water can still put pressure on vital blood vessels.  Just be mindful if you suffer SPD, as the leg movement may not be the best option.  In my last pregnancy I switched to a more crawl-style of kick, or focused on using mainly my upper body.
  • Use flip flops or at least hold on to hand rails when walking around the pool area.  A slip or fall is never nice, but in pregnancy you need to be extra careful.

 

I’m getting a bit too tired come the end of the day to make it to my weekly Clubbercise class, so I’m thinking now is the time to add swimming into my fitness plan.  I wish more than anything there were Aquanatal classes near me, as I think they’d be a great thing to get into, but I’m happy enough churning out the lengths.  Even in my nasty swimsuit.

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my pregnancy at 30 weeks

 

So that’s me through my 30th week of pregnancy, and I’ve been pretty crap at keeping any sort of record.  With my teenager I kept a journal for most of the time, and with my four year old I took a bump pic each week.  This time around, nada.  I had a pregnancy book which I bought last time and never got round to filling in, so I figured I’d use it this time around.  But when I sat down to do it, I wasn’t crazy about a lot of the sections…it felt too forced.  I want to make some sort of effort though, given that this is going to be the last time I manufacture a tiny human.

And would you look at this – now I have a blog to do it in.

I warn you now though, I’m no earth mother who thinks the miracle of pregnancy is a wonder to meditate upon.  I’m basically a cranky bitch, and I’m quite looking forward to getting to the finish line.  But I’ll try to sprinkle in some positives…

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can we just stop commenting on pregnant women’s bodies?

 

As someone who battles with my weight and self image, I’ve spent my life trying to hide my body.  It dictates what I wear, what I do and even how I sit – these are all done in a way which minimises the amount of flaws on display.  So the visibility of my body during pregnancy is something I struggle with.

Suddenly it’s ok for people to comment and discuss my shape, often without invitation.  Don’t get me wrong, most comments are well meaning and complimentary…but even they couldn’t take the sting out of being told I was basically a fat freak by someone I’d barely even met before.  On more than one occasion this charmer has reacted with shock when overhearing how far along I was, gasping that I was huge.  In one instance she even combined the classic I thought you were nearly due with the equally tactful is it twins?!  I was 24 weeks at the time.

The rational side of me knows not to take to heart the words of an airhead (common office perception, not just me being a bitch) who thinks it’s ok to dress head-to-toe in gradients of Barbie-pink in her late 40’s (ok, that was me just being a bitch).  But when has body hatred ever been rational?  Instead of writing those comments off as just moronic standard phrases tossed out by conversationally challenged people to anyone expecting, I have internalised them.

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